crouchingtiger (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
crouchingtiger) wrote2012-08-01 12:37 am
crouchingtiger) wrote2012-08-01 12:37 am
8.1.12
So, true to what I'd said on Plurk when I decided I'd get back to plurking more regularly after officially leaving DW comm roleplay and after a couple months absence, I'm posting my rants out in a different spot and maybe, possibly, linking to Plurk. I know I'd originally said Tumblr, but now I have a few friends on Tumblr whom I'd rather not expose all this to, not because I wouldn't want them to know, but because I know they don't need the extra baggage from my end when I know they have their own shit to deal with.
So basically, this is the usual family shit. All the usual family shit. The screaming, the yelling, the blame being thrown all over the place, past grievances being dragged out, passive-aggressive barbs, all the big guns like the ones that usually happen in a big, family war. Yep.
Here's the thing that's different though: I feel stronger and, actually, crueler. Let me elaborate. For one, I'm better able to keep the darker emotions at bay when these family tiffs happen and that's something I'd consider a big step. I'm not as easily depressed as I was before and I don't feel like I'm going to fall apart every time an old wound is prodded at. And that's a very good thing because that means I'm on the way to healing over and moving on with my life. I'm 19 already. I don't have the time to waste, wallowing in my self-pity and depressed confusion and shit. I want to move on. And these past few months have been a huge improvement for me.
But like I said, I also feel crueler. Since I've built better resistance to certain weapons, the usual guilt trips don't hurt me as much anymore. There's still crying and pain and anger and frustration and all that good stuff, but the percentages have changed. It's a lot more anger and frustration, and a lot less crying and pain. Basically, I no longer feel like I have to sit stone-faced until my mom finishes venting it out. But that also means I've stopped pulling punches when it comes to my mom's BS. And after the event, I sort of regret it, but I also sort of... am proud that I stood up for myself. Which is where the "crueler" part comes in.
It's hard to say exactly where our family dynamics came to be and how it turned out the way it did. Explaining to people on the outside about Asian cultural values and family values sometimes gains mystified looks and sometimes also gains scoffs, because pfft, actually it's not just Asian families, don't kid yourself. I don't know what it is and I've frankly grown rather tired of trying to figure it out and trying to explain to other people.
Personally though, I do believe that at some degree, there's a clash of values -- whether that's traditional Asian family values vs. Asian-American mix or otherwise, that's beside the point. My mom was raised to put family absolutely first and she was probably raised to need family. As in, 'family is all the reason why I exist.' Family is the most important thing. Family is what keeps her going. Family is something she absolutely cannot live without. But that's different from what my brother and I are like. Is it because we were born and raised in America? I've no idea, but in any case, we've both grown to hate intimate contact with family members and other relatives. We both hate expectations and all this bullshit about family honor and family name. We both hate that everything we do is supposed to represent a collective unit and not our individual selves.
I think that as people grow older, they settle into a lifestyle and mindset that they've grown comfortable in and become loathe to step back outside of their understanding of the world again. It's the way my mom has become and the way my dad is. I might also just be bitter and frustrated that they refuse to or can't understand our side of things. (Dad frequently seems to cite our "American upbringing" for "corrupting" our minds and making us spoiled, lol. Mom just accepts it and is quietly or not-so-quietly depressed about how much we've deviated from her expectations and the children she thought she'd had. And both of them spend a lot of time being disappointed that we failed and that they invested so much in us and failed to get their results.) But in any case, my mom has grudgingly started modifying her mindset to at least acknowledge that there are different value systems between us. And my dad, well, he's in Asia most of the time. Yes, I'm basically implying that the difference between us are Eastern vs. Western ideals, but whatever. He's mellowed a lot as he's getting older, but he's still stubbornly stuck to his own opinions. Though again, he's starting to relent to at least acknowledging the existence of our viewpoints. Not that does anything for what they actually think of our viewpoints.
So here's our generation and then there's their generation. Ours is the generation of technology and social media, where a college degree is way more expensive to get and far less valuable than it was, where getting a job is about how much experience you have in the field and not about what you're willing or not willing to do and what university you went to and what major you graduated from. And sometimes, I think they don't realize that this is our generation and not theirs. Explaining it to them doesn't make too much of a difference. They maintain that, even if that were the case, it's still worth the effort. It's still worth killing yourself to go to an exceptional college and study a good major (a major that was hot several years ago and doesn't matter anyway if you can't find a job). And then they're so, so disappointed when it doesn't happen the way they hope it could, because there are million and millions of kids going to college. It's not something special anymore. Going to an Ivy isn't worth the effort anymore. Spending all that money and acquiring loans isn't worth all that effort anymore. And because we couldn't or didn't want to compete with the millions of other people for something that was basically pointless now, we're pretty much worthless.
I don't know, man. I'm bitter. And I'm just glad I'll be getting away from my house for college in 2-3 weeks time. Dad's coming back just to send me to college. I have half the urge to rub it in his face the fact that my college had a visit from the U.S. President just a month ago. And the fact that it's 2nd in the nation in undergrad computer science after MIT. And shit. But eh, what's the point. Like I said, college isn't worth all that much anymore and I'm giving up on trying to please them. It's not worth it and I want to move on and I am moving on. And so far, it feels great. I'm doing things for myself and it feels absolutely great.
But it also feels a little bit terrible because it feels like I'm giving up on them.
Well anyway, I really wish my mom would get therapy. I think she's the one who needs it the most out of all of us now. She hasn't moved on yet and maybe she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to. Out of habit, she still ends up taking everything as our throwing blame on her whenever we try to disagree or speak up for ourselves against something she's accusing us of. It's tiring and frustrating. I don't know what my brother is doing, but he's heavily in denial of reality right now and there's not much I can do to help him. Any mention of his issues and he clams up. All I can do right now is let him know that I understand what he's feeling because I went through the same thing. And to let him know that I'll be there when he feels like coming out to talk about it and move on.
On the plus side of things though, I'm pretty sure I'm as excited about college as I am terrified of it. And I guess that's sort of a good thing. I think college is going to do good things for me. And since I'm actually, for once, feeling confident about that thought, it's definitely a good thing.
So basically, this is the usual family shit. All the usual family shit. The screaming, the yelling, the blame being thrown all over the place, past grievances being dragged out, passive-aggressive barbs, all the big guns like the ones that usually happen in a big, family war. Yep.
Here's the thing that's different though: I feel stronger and, actually, crueler. Let me elaborate. For one, I'm better able to keep the darker emotions at bay when these family tiffs happen and that's something I'd consider a big step. I'm not as easily depressed as I was before and I don't feel like I'm going to fall apart every time an old wound is prodded at. And that's a very good thing because that means I'm on the way to healing over and moving on with my life. I'm 19 already. I don't have the time to waste, wallowing in my self-pity and depressed confusion and shit. I want to move on. And these past few months have been a huge improvement for me.
But like I said, I also feel crueler. Since I've built better resistance to certain weapons, the usual guilt trips don't hurt me as much anymore. There's still crying and pain and anger and frustration and all that good stuff, but the percentages have changed. It's a lot more anger and frustration, and a lot less crying and pain. Basically, I no longer feel like I have to sit stone-faced until my mom finishes venting it out. But that also means I've stopped pulling punches when it comes to my mom's BS. And after the event, I sort of regret it, but I also sort of... am proud that I stood up for myself. Which is where the "crueler" part comes in.
It's hard to say exactly where our family dynamics came to be and how it turned out the way it did. Explaining to people on the outside about Asian cultural values and family values sometimes gains mystified looks and sometimes also gains scoffs, because pfft, actually it's not just Asian families, don't kid yourself. I don't know what it is and I've frankly grown rather tired of trying to figure it out and trying to explain to other people.
Personally though, I do believe that at some degree, there's a clash of values -- whether that's traditional Asian family values vs. Asian-American mix or otherwise, that's beside the point. My mom was raised to put family absolutely first and she was probably raised to need family. As in, 'family is all the reason why I exist.' Family is the most important thing. Family is what keeps her going. Family is something she absolutely cannot live without. But that's different from what my brother and I are like. Is it because we were born and raised in America? I've no idea, but in any case, we've both grown to hate intimate contact with family members and other relatives. We both hate expectations and all this bullshit about family honor and family name. We both hate that everything we do is supposed to represent a collective unit and not our individual selves.
I think that as people grow older, they settle into a lifestyle and mindset that they've grown comfortable in and become loathe to step back outside of their understanding of the world again. It's the way my mom has become and the way my dad is. I might also just be bitter and frustrated that they refuse to or can't understand our side of things. (Dad frequently seems to cite our "American upbringing" for "corrupting" our minds and making us spoiled, lol. Mom just accepts it and is quietly or not-so-quietly depressed about how much we've deviated from her expectations and the children she thought she'd had. And both of them spend a lot of time being disappointed that we failed and that they invested so much in us and failed to get their results.) But in any case, my mom has grudgingly started modifying her mindset to at least acknowledge that there are different value systems between us. And my dad, well, he's in Asia most of the time. Yes, I'm basically implying that the difference between us are Eastern vs. Western ideals, but whatever. He's mellowed a lot as he's getting older, but he's still stubbornly stuck to his own opinions. Though again, he's starting to relent to at least acknowledging the existence of our viewpoints. Not that does anything for what they actually think of our viewpoints.
So here's our generation and then there's their generation. Ours is the generation of technology and social media, where a college degree is way more expensive to get and far less valuable than it was, where getting a job is about how much experience you have in the field and not about what you're willing or not willing to do and what university you went to and what major you graduated from. And sometimes, I think they don't realize that this is our generation and not theirs. Explaining it to them doesn't make too much of a difference. They maintain that, even if that were the case, it's still worth the effort. It's still worth killing yourself to go to an exceptional college and study a good major (a major that was hot several years ago and doesn't matter anyway if you can't find a job). And then they're so, so disappointed when it doesn't happen the way they hope it could, because there are million and millions of kids going to college. It's not something special anymore. Going to an Ivy isn't worth the effort anymore. Spending all that money and acquiring loans isn't worth all that effort anymore. And because we couldn't or didn't want to compete with the millions of other people for something that was basically pointless now, we're pretty much worthless.
I don't know, man. I'm bitter. And I'm just glad I'll be getting away from my house for college in 2-3 weeks time. Dad's coming back just to send me to college. I have half the urge to rub it in his face the fact that my college had a visit from the U.S. President just a month ago. And the fact that it's 2nd in the nation in undergrad computer science after MIT. And shit. But eh, what's the point. Like I said, college isn't worth all that much anymore and I'm giving up on trying to please them. It's not worth it and I want to move on and I am moving on. And so far, it feels great. I'm doing things for myself and it feels absolutely great.
But it also feels a little bit terrible because it feels like I'm giving up on them.
Well anyway, I really wish my mom would get therapy. I think she's the one who needs it the most out of all of us now. She hasn't moved on yet and maybe she doesn't want to or doesn't know how to. Out of habit, she still ends up taking everything as our throwing blame on her whenever we try to disagree or speak up for ourselves against something she's accusing us of. It's tiring and frustrating. I don't know what my brother is doing, but he's heavily in denial of reality right now and there's not much I can do to help him. Any mention of his issues and he clams up. All I can do right now is let him know that I understand what he's feeling because I went through the same thing. And to let him know that I'll be there when he feels like coming out to talk about it and move on.
On the plus side of things though, I'm pretty sure I'm as excited about college as I am terrified of it. And I guess that's sort of a good thing. I think college is going to do good things for me. And since I'm actually, for once, feeling confident about that thought, it's definitely a good thing.